KingLou Drops Science 2.0

One of the common and weirdo things that I see on TV is the crazy horny wife who is really into sex and is all over the husband. And the counter-part to this cartoon is the husband who is not interested in said sex. I first recall being aware of this when Married with Children came on back when I was 19. I never understood the idea of the husband rejecting sex with his admittedly mildly frightening wife. Eventually I came to the conclusion that she must have just the most rancid vagina or some kind of evil toothy sand paper snatch. Something was wrong down there. Or maybe it was Al Bundy who had some kind of urinary tract infection that he wasn't dealing with that was causing him extreme pain when he ejaculated. I had that once and it was terrible! If you have that go see a doctor!

Tonight I was trying to catch the end of the celebrity apprentice and happened to catch a few moments of Lipstick Jungle which is that new show created by the creator of Sex in the City. First strike is that instead of being on HBO and having nasty boning, analingus and other ill sexiness its going to have more TV sex. I am sure it will be smokey but not nasty. Or at least I assume NBC isn't that desperate yet. So I was watching and Brooke Shields comes home from doing something or other with her girlfriends. I imagine they must have seen a hot dude of the street or something because she comes home from work in the mood for sex. And not only that she comes home and then finds her husband and makes clear overtures for sex that has to happen right away. She makes the first moves and isn't coy, isn't dancing around the subject and is undressing herself with serious immediacy. THE BONING WILL COMMENCE NOW! I was watching this and was like "I might as well be watching star wars for that level of fantasy farce." Maybe I live in a sad world where that doesn't happen but I refuse to let a TV show tell me that its happening all the time. But honestly I don't think any of my friends has ever told me "you know, the craziest thing happened. My wife came home from work and just jumped on me and fucked my brains out." The reason is because it doesn't happen. Not to anyone I know. If it is happening to you then please tell me so I can live vicariously through you. It might be every mans fantasy to have his wife sometimes be the one to initiate sex but I would say that 99% of the time its the guys sniffing around for interest and 1% the other way around. Of course as with anything there will be people who insist that their spouses are horndogs who love to bone and can't get enough of your hot loving. But, really, you're either lying, deluding yourself or the writers of Lipstick Jungle who are probably not married.

Maybe I am just a bitter married guy who doesn't like to see fake super hot married sex on TV. I think probably The Flight of the Concords nailed real married sex with their hot song....



So fucking true and funny that, well, its not funny...

I took the dya off yesterday as a comp day for coming in to work last weekend so was all ready to go to work today. That is until I woke up this morning and saw it had snowed 4 inches over night. My first thoughts were "Ace and I are going sledding." So I took a personal day and we hit the local dog run. I wish I got a picture of Ace being leveled by a dog as he was sledding. It was intense. He was almost at the bottom of the hill, in motion, and a dog totally plowed into him. Classically the dog owner was unrepentant. They hate when human children invade the sanctity of their gigantic dog run. There were a few chasing incedents but the dogs stayed mainly on their side. Ace did awesome on the sled. He went solo a bunch and had like a 95% success rate on making it down all the way.

So last Friday Jodi was taking some money out of her bank account and she noticed in passing that there were some weird withdrawals on her account. So she investigated and sure enough someone was using her debit card in Miami to buy groceries and sexy sexy lingerie. So rightly annoyed Jodi called citibank and set the wheels in motion to have her debit card cancelled and so on. She talked to a representative who said they'd flagged the activity as suspicious. So after some annoying bureaucratic steps Jodi got transfered to someone in India. Thats where things started to fall apart. The guy there was saying stuff that wasn't making sense to Jodi. She kept trying to clarify things with him but it wasn't clear. The guy ended by telling her that a new card was being issued to her and that she'd have it in 7-10 days. And that there was nothing that could be done about speeding it up. I know from personal experience that this is 100% bullshit. The last time I lost my debit card I was told the same thing by a worthless citibank indian phone-rep guy. It wasn't until I called back and spoke to someone in the US who got a new debit card overnighted to the branch by my job. So I don't trust those foreign phone bank dudes at all. Jodi resigned herself to waiting the week to get it back.

Saturday Jodi took Ace shopping in Manhattan. When she went to pay for something with her Citibank Upromise card and guess what? It was cancelled. Huh? What? Yeah the guy in India somehow cancelled her Citibank Credit Card AND her Debit Card. When she called they swore up and down that they can't do that from the debit card system and all this other stuff but sure enough that guy in India miracle'd up a way to cancel both her Citibank card for fraud even though she only called about one card with a totally different #. So Sunday before we were going to Ikea we stopped to get gas I tried to pay for it with my Citibank it was declined. So not only did the cancel her accounts they cancelled mine. No way to change it. Or so they say. So I called this morning to make sure that the card was really dead and sure enough they say it is. I spoke to someone in the US who ensured it was dead so I gave them a piece of my mind but there really isn't anything I can do except to escalate the annoyance to a place I am just not willing to take it to. So I hang and then 10 minutes later Jodi calls me to tell me that she just got off the phone with citibank and now they are saying that the upromise cards were never effected and should be fine. So which one is it?

I just confirmed that it was indeed cancelled. The guy she talked to was referencing the new cards that we haven't gotten yet.

My boss just told me a story that happened to his girlfriend. She had her wallet stolen and someone racked up a ton of money on her debit card right away. She cancelled the card as soon as she could. The person who stole the card went into a Citibank branch and said "Hey I just had my wallet stolen and had the card cancelled could I get a temp card and pin. I really need the card." And they gave it to the crook who then went and took $600 out of the account in cash. Way to go Citibank. You suck.

I'll admit it. Sometime I lose my shit. And when I do it's usually because I am unable to communicate my true feeling or that I feel like things are moving too quickly. However there is one place that I always lose my shit and that is Ikea. We went there yesterday to go and buy a new storage system for Ace's room. We've been living with this clear bin solution for a year now and it just sucks. Ace pops the bins open and dumps them out. Everything is mixed together and unmanageable. Not to say that kids will be neat with the right system but this one just sucks. Also in the current set up all the toys are visible through the plastic so nothing is ever out of sight, out of mind. So this new system Jodi devised was waiting for us in the maze-like halls of Ikea and we headed out. Not that I wasn't dragging my heels on the whole trip. Going to Ikea means several things for me. It means I have to leave the house. So I get tense about the whole IBS thing. Then it means I have to spend money, which I hate to do. Then it means I have to build shit. Another thing I am not crazy about. And in general it means I have to go to Ikea and witness all the myriad choices I could have in my house if i had a normal house and not a tiny New York apartment. So going there means anxiety, feeling bad about myself and money loss. Really a great combo. Also half the time I go there the thing I want is not available or discontinued. And to top it all off Ikea's are always, and I mean ALWAYS ALWAYS fucking crowded to the Nth degree. So on top of everything I am sort of freaked out by being surrounded by the teeming unwashed masses looking for plain furniture which can be disconcerting to someone of my fragile mindset.

So we went to the Hicksville, NY Ikea yesterday and as I have set up it was a disaster. Ace was moaning the entire time we were going there that he wanted togo home and that he was hungry and tired and anything else he could whine about it. I was pissed because on Friday Jodi found out that her debit card was compromised but the geniuses at Citibank seem to have killed our citibank upromise credit cards instead of the debit cards. I found out mine was cancelled on the way to ikea when we stopped for gas. Ikea was a madhouse. The Ikea by Hicksville is in a larger mall so it had a food court that we stopped at. The food court was a birth control ad if I ever saw one. Lord of the White Trash Flies. Dead-eyed mothers staring into the middle distance as their kids climb all over the fucking place. Jodi had to yet at the same kid like 4 time to get the fuck off the stupid jeep ride that she'd paid $1 for ace to ride. The big gutted, fried stringy hair mom was totally zoned out about 100 feet away. Only after the 4th telling off did she come to get her ADD addled spawn. After filling up we were off to Ikea proper and the nightmare within. I lost my cool about 10 minutes in when were looking at solutions that obviously couldn't possibly work in Ace's room. When we finally did get to the stuff that Jodi wanted to look at I was really over the top angry about the whole ordeal. Admittedly I was overreacting but such is my dislike of Ikea. By the time I calmed down we had created a full on scene at Ikea of nicely horrifying proportions. I won't go into the details but it sucked. Eventually we picked out all kinds of junk and doodads for the house and headed to the self serve section of furniture. When we got here I took one look at the main item that we wanted and immediately knew it would never in a million years fit in our car. It was hugely long. So of course I got mad that we'd wasted the trip anyway. The 2nd item was a gamble on the size but we decided we had to try. It barely fit with Jodi's seat all the way forward. The entire way home Jodi was complaining about her knees being crushed by every bump in the road. It was a DELIGHTFUL TRIP!

Now what I really can't wait for is the one to open in Red Hook. We drove by it a few weekends ago and it's MASSIVE. It is going to cause some huge headaches for that neighborhood. Especially traffic wise. I suppose it will probably add a lot of jobs to that area but then you'll probably have people who wash out from Fairway working at Ikea and vice-a-versa. Hooray low wage workers!

After that nightmare my mom came over to watch Ace. Ace was glad to be rid of us. We are no fun. Jodi and I went to eat at Chili Cafe which is a Thia place. The name always makes me think Mexican chili. The food is decent. Everytime I eat there the first few bites are bland and I am disappointed but then slowly the flavor creeps in and the next thing I know all my food is gone. Afterwards we went and grabbed a glass of wine at the new wine bar on Henry street. It was nice. I am trying to expand my wine world beyond Night Train. I have the wine for dummies book, even. I've learned more about wine in the last year than in the 37 before it and I still don't know dick about it. Kind of how I learned to love apples last year. Jodi and I shared a Cabernet and Zinfandel. I refuse to call Cabernet "Cab". Nicknames are for friends. Wine... you ain't there yet. Not like my pal "Suds." Yeah, me and "Brewski," we're still tight. I feel like a frost mug right about now... because I am an alcoholic!

In more dire news I started playing Call of Duty 4 multiplayer a few days ago. VERY addictive. I am not as good as I would like to be at it. I consider myself a better than average Halo 2-3 player but so far at CoD I am less than average. Not sure why yet. It's your standard shooter but the fact that you can power up your abilities as you get better if kind of screwed up because newer players just get leveled by their ass kicker shooting or whatever. Regardless, its fun. I did report some dumbass jerks because they were being insanely racist and saying White Power over and over again and saying gay and racial slurs. It was pretty stupid. I hope that sort of reporting actually works... Actually a guy I play with who used to go by the name "44lb Ballz" was informed by xBox Live that his name was offensive and he needed to change it. Thats like the 3rd guy I've seen that happen to know. One other guys name was "a crippled jew" which he thought was okay because he is jewish M$FT didn't agree.

Final note: It looks like Team Fernandez will be coming to a close this March. The show it's part of is finishing it's run and shutting down. So if you like Team Fernandez come get your fill!

Why the hell does Glenn Beck have a job? For those blessed enough not to know who this moron is I'll fill you in. Glenn Beck is part of Headline News' attempt to make their old business model more interesting. From being the news bite channel for ages they added two personality driven shows to their line up. The first was Nancy Grace. She is a horrible straw-haired shrew who I personally find unbearable to watch or hear. But at least she isn't an obvious retard like Glenn Beck. How he is allowed to go on the air and do his empty headed jibber jabber about the world is beyond me. At the very best he is Rush Limbaugh Jr Lite. He even looks like a young, less obese Rush at times. He might take that as a complement but I don't mean it as one. I despise Limbaugh. But now I also despise Beck.

Every time I have had the misfortune of watching a segment of his crappy tv show I always end up SUPER PISSED. I think what really gets me is he makes really incredibly weak, way out and just outright ignorant analogies and is almost deliriously inane at times. Plus the fact that he is a blatant right wing douche 100% of the time is just too much to take. Who is watching this guy? Why isn't he on Fox News? Why would CNN have a know nothing mega-tool eat up precious time? I just watched a clip of Mr Beck at Crooks and Liars. Actually I prefer this video where Glenn Beck espouses his love for an uncomfortable Ron Paul. Fuck it. Just watch all these clips of him. Soon you'll hate this idiot like I do. It will probably only take one!

I just did a search for "Glenn Beck is an Idiot" and not surprisingly there are a lot of hits for it. Neither is the results for his putting his dumb-ass foot in his mouth at Media Matters. I mean this guy has been stinking it up for years. WHY, GOD?!!

This is my favorite one, though. The quote where Mr. Beck compares Al Gore to Hitler.

I just wasted a lot of rage energy writing this rant. Sigh.


Oh BTW Happy Valentine's Day.